my hair is getting long

i wonder if i should cut it


we don’t have to think about the past

ever

not if we don’t want to


my dad started sending me songs

to learn on guitar

he showed me breakup songs too

from the 1980s


i called my grandma when i got home late

and walked around the block

and sat on the curb

at the bottom of our walkway

that we used to shovel to make snowmen

now we shovel it just because


i cried on the phone under the streetlights

the tears felt good

i remember the surface tension breaking

relaxing

warm wetness smearing

my cheeks and hands


my feelings are immense;

i should not have thought

one person

could contain them all.


i went to the bayfront with my family friday night

i was going to go downtown instead

with iggy and matt and jason cop-short-for-copperfield

but my mom said “come with us!” so i did

and we got ice cream

and we saw the sunset on the conservation wetland

the arching support lattice of the skyway bridge

the steel factories with pipes spitting smoke and fire

the freighter ships lit like little towns of their own


after we got home my mom opened my window

so i can hear the crickets now



I wrote “crickets (diary excerpts)” in the month before moving to Toronto from Hamilton, Ontario.
— Nicola Lawford

 

Nicola Lawford is a first-year Engineering Science student at the University of Toronto.